Dead People Never Live

(or Do the boys and ghouls do what the common folk do?)

          "Vlad,  where's the toothpaste?"

          "Ah...  has your sister been here lately?"

          "What?  Honey, I just want the toothpaste."

          "I know dearest, but has Sara been around?"

          "Why do you ask me that now?  I -- need the toothpaste."

          "Oh crap.  Darling.  Think.  What does your dear sister like to do with the toothpaste?"

          "Oh.  Sorry.  Can you ever forgive me?"

          "Sure Hon.  Anything else?"

          "Um, yes.  I forgot my robe.  Could you float over and get it for me?"

          "O.K.  Just wait a sec, alright?  Did you want your blue one, the red one, or the black one?"

          "I don't know.  Which do you think would be best tonight?"

          "Is the Baron...  It is the Baron, isn't it?"

          "Yes.  Oh.  I just thought of something.  He's really strange, isn't he?  I mean, not quite, how shall I say it, typical?"

          "Yes, and that answers my question.  So how about I surprise you then?"

          "A surprise?  For me?"

          "Yes, my little niblet, a surprise.  Can I come in then?"

          "Careful.  I've got the floor all wet, O.K.?"

          "Mmmm.  Such a delicacy.  Can I have a little bite of that luscious bod of yours?  Just a nibble or two?"

          "Vlad!  What would the Baron think if you left a mark?"

          "Just a tiny nip?  He'll never see it.  My, what a delicious little piece you are."

          "No!  You always chew me up and then I can't go out.  How are we supposed to live for goodness sake?"

          "Look at you.  So beautiful when you're angry.  It almost makes me want to have you traipse around the castle like that all the time.  Wouldn't you be absolutely incensed with rage, my lovely?  You'd be such a pretty sight, indeed!"

          "So help me Vlad.  Back off.  Do you want your fangs up your nose?"

          "No.  You know where I'd like my fangs?  Up your..."

          "Vlad  How could you?!"

          "O.K.  O.K.  Can't you take a joke?"

          "Certainly.  Only You weren't joking.  Now settle down.  And where's my surprise?"

          "Alright.  Close your eyes.  Are they closed?  O.K., just a moment."

          "OH!  Vlad!  Vlad!  Certainly not here?!  VLAD!  It's the wrong time of the month!  No!  No!  Oh!  Oh!  Ohhh!!!  Mmmm.  Oh ---"

          # # #

          "Vlad?  Where's the cigarettes?"

          "Hmmm?  Uh, has your brother been here lately?"